Warning: This is a super sappy post!
I just am overwhelmed with emotion and I had to share it with someone.
I have two boys who are my life. I honestly thought that I would always have boys. I could just never picture myself with a girl. I thought at first that this was a girl, then I decided it was probably a boy and was thinking boy until that big ultrasound.
Anyway, at first I was shell shocked, I'll admit it. Not that Il wasn't excited, it was just different than I planned, kwim?
Now that I've had time to digest it all, I can't even explain the emotion I feel. The love isn't any stronger, than it was with the boys.... it's just.....I don't know how to explain it. The feeling it brings me. But it's like I feel like God is giving me a gift that I really, really needed, and didn't even know it.
My mom is my best friend. We talk a million times a day and she has always been 'my person'. Ever since she got sick that kind of changed. I mean, she is still my best friend, but our relationship has also changed dynamics. I can't explain it, but I know you understand why it would change. And please don't think I'm counting her out... we still talk 24-7 and are a great support to eachother. It's just different, that's all.
All that to say ever since then... my heart has kind of had a hole in it. I'm not really close to any other woman like I am with my mom. I love my sister, love my best friend, love my other friends, but I just have a hard time being vulnerable to anyone aside from my mom, and now it's hard to be vulnerable about anything in front of her since it's her cancer that scares me most in my life right now. And I just sort of felt alone on the womanly front. Kind of like I was on a team alone. To think of her gone and me really being alone just cracks my heart in a way I can't explain.
And then my sweet baby A came and my heart... I can't explain it. I feel like a part of my soul has literally been transferred to her soul. It's almost a spirtual feeling. (Okay, laugh at me. I know I'm crazy.) I feel like no matter what happens in life, I will have someone on my team. That she is a piece of me that will always be here, no matter what happens to me. It still feels like hell to think about life without my mom one day, but I will have my own daughter. My daughter. Another woman on my side. I just can't get over it. I'll get to experience the relationship I have with my mom again... just this time I'll be the mom. The emotion I feel is so strong that I just had to get it out. I am so thankful that I had a daughter right NOW. Not 5 years ago, or 3 years ago, but right now. I don't think I ever would have appreciated her in the depth of the way I do now.
I never will understand how I got pregnant with her, but now I know *why*.
PS: If she grows a penis, she's in so much trouble!