Monday, February 4, 2008

Can I talk to you about my baby girl?

Warning: This is a super sappy post!

I just am overwhelmed with emotion and I had to share it with someone.

I have two boys who are my life. I honestly thought that I would always have boys. I could just never picture myself with a girl. I thought at first that this was a girl, then I decided it was probably a boy and was thinking boy until that big ultrasound.

Anyway, at first I was shell shocked, I'll admit it. Not that Il wasn't excited, it was just different than I planned, kwim?

Now that I've had time to digest it all, I can't even explain the emotion I feel. The love isn't any stronger, than it was with the boys.... it's just.....I don't know how to explain it. The feeling it brings me. But it's like I feel like God is giving me a gift that I really, really needed, and didn't even know it.

My mom is my best friend. We talk a million times a day and she has always been 'my person'. Ever since she got sick that kind of changed. I mean, she is still my best friend, but our relationship has also changed dynamics. I can't explain it, but I know you understand why it would change. And please don't think I'm counting her out... we still talk 24-7 and are a great support to eachother. It's just different, that's all.

All that to say ever since then... my heart has kind of had a hole in it. I'm not really close to any other woman like I am with my mom. I love my sister, love my best friend, love my other friends, but I just have a hard time being vulnerable to anyone aside from my mom, and now it's hard to be vulnerable about anything in front of her since it's her cancer that scares me most in my life right now. And I just sort of felt alone on the womanly front. Kind of like I was on a team alone. To think of her gone and me really being alone just cracks my heart in a way I can't explain.

And then my sweet baby A came and my heart... I can't explain it. I feel like a part of my soul has literally been transferred to her soul. It's almost a spirtual feeling. (Okay, laugh at me. I know I'm crazy.) I feel like no matter what happens in life, I will have someone on my team. That she is a piece of me that will always be here, no matter what happens to me. It still feels like hell to think about life without my mom one day, but I will have my own daughter. My daughter. Another woman on my side. I just can't get over it. I'll get to experience the relationship I have with my mom again... just this time I'll be the mom. The emotion I feel is so strong that I just had to get it out. I am so thankful that I had a daughter right NOW. Not 5 years ago, or 3 years ago, but right now. I don't think I ever would have appreciated her in the depth of the way I do now.

I never will understand how I got pregnant with her, but now I know *why*.

PS: If she grows a penis, she's in so much trouble!


alisonwonderland said...

yes, you can talk to me about your baby girl! :)

i'm so happy for you! take care of yourself and her, okay?

Karianne said...

This post is amazing. I can relate on so many points, yet you brought such a unique perspective that I am now thinking of mine and Ivy's relationship in a whole new way.
I LOVE the SAP!! Keep it coming.

Ipshi said...

oh what a beautiful post! If you don't mind may I share it with my sister? (she has two daughters). Not only do you have a beautiful family, you also have a beautiful way with words. Best of luck and may your relation with you daughter turn out to be everything you wanted and more!

Karen Beth said...

What a beautiful post and what a lucky little girl you have there with you (about to be with you, that is :)) You two already have such a strong bond, one that will only increase with the days that pass. Take care of you!!!

Cath said...

Carrie, I'm bawling here! What beautiful, precious words to read. I'm so happy for you, my heart is bursting. I am so thankful to hear you put that into words. You are amazing, your mom is amazing, and your daughter will follow in your footsteps. (Those M men are great too, btw)...

Love you, Cath

Melissa said...

this was so beautifully written and I feel like I understand--at least a little. I do think there is something super special about a mommy and her girl(s). I remember feeling like by having my daughter I was being given the chance to "restore" myself from the poor relationship my mom and I have by doing better with my girl. It was definitely---is definitely---something spiritual. You so nailed this right on the head, my friend.

The special-ness with boys is cool, but I think it's different too. It's the female connection or something....

Ashley Winters said...

The mother-daughter bond is very special. My sister and I used to visit our mother before she died. The three of us would stay up until 2 a.m. just talking and deeply enjoying one another's company. It was a magical time. Now mom is gone, but my sister and I each have our own two daughters to cherish.

Katiefucious said...

That was a beautiful post.

I grew up with my mom. My dad left when he found out she was preggers, and for the next 20 years it was just me and her. We are very close.

I wish all girls could be so close with their moms. I am very excited for you and your new little girl! :)

Carrie said...

Thank you for your sweet words!

Ipshi, you are more than welcome to share it with your sister. The more the merrier. hehe

Um, can I just say she's enjoying grinding on my hip bones today. That's not as romantic to post about though, is it? LOL

Christy said...

I totally get what you are saying. I have 2 boys and I love them more than anything but with Mia there is just something different. It is not a different level of love but it is a conncection that is unexplainable. When I look at this little girl I cant belive how blessed I am to have 2 amazingly wonderful boys and this beautiful gift from China. It is such an feeling of unexplainable love.

Christy :)